I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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