My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
