I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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