Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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