Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
did i just pee glitter
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
