I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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