You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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