I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
