Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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