Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
