Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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