I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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