I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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