Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
