I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
