My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
