can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
