i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
