Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
