Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
