I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
