Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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