I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
my being single is dangerous.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Well I just put wine in my tea
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize
