The maid of honor just puked.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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