I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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