Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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