What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think I sprained my soul last night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
