If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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