You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
