i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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