I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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