Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
