he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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