i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
