First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
