Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize