my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
