Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
