i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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