My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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