Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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