you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
