Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
