I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
