I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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