my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
