I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
