Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
