Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
