everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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