We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
