He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
