I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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