I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize