Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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