he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
