One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
