We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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