yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
