something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
