I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
