Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
