why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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