I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just had sex bonerless
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Randomize
