He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
