Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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