no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How does one acquire holy water?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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