Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
