I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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