Sry I called you an 8
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
